Positivity – a side effect of watching the RuPaul Drag Race series

RuPaul is the mentor, the host, the singer and the judge of Drag Race, a reality show that follows 15 (sometimes more) drag queens as they compete to become America’s Next Drag Superstar.

If, like me you have been unaware of this show and if, also like me, you thought it had something to do with car racing, then perhaps like me you ended up checking it out one night on Netflix and got completely captivated and riveted to the series. I ended up spending 2 consecutive weekends binging on seasons 1 though 6. Yes, it is that good. Why? I don’t know why it is so good but sometimes, shows like this one defy standard reasoning. One thing that I did find is that watching RuPaul’s Drag Race will definitely put you in a good mood and you also tend to get very positive about life in general.

The show is very entertaining with the dramas, challenges, meltdowns and breakdowns, triumphs and failures, tears and laughs, and seriously impressive make up skills.

I think the fact that RuPaul does not take himself or life so seriously is what makes the show so uplifting. I like that he is not hung up about pronouns, and I love that he also sings even though he is not the best at it; that he has the ability to transform himself into an amazingly beautiful woman with a personality to match. Also, he has so many products he sells, I am sure he finds it hard to keep up with them all.  If only more people were like him: happy with who and what they are, can find the humour in life, don’t take themselves seriously and are always kind and authentic.

Then he sprouts those catch phrases and quotes that are a breath of fresh air, compared to the wishy-washy, new age and politically correct quotes that are so popular on social media.

Although, they do get stuck in your head.  Forever.

So  “can I get an amen in here” to 7 of RuPaul’s best…

• When you become the image of your own imagination, it's the most powerful thing you could ever do."
• My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker
• All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
• When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent. 
• Remember to love yourself, because if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
• Can I get an amen in here?
• You are born naked, the rest is drag. 

Why does breast-feeding in public get on people’s tits?

People can’t seem to mind their own business. On top of the hateful and wicked comments that were (and still are) spewed all over the Internet against same sex marriage, there are people out there who are criticising and complaining about mothers who breast-feed in public.  

This is what Zoe recently had to put up with...Her son Zak is 2 years old and he is breast-fed.  He is an active, healthy, happy little boy.  Like any other toddler, he is always very busy exploring his little world. So when he is hungry, he will take a few minutes out of his busy schedule to snuggle on to his mummy’s lap and feed. Because he instinctively follows his body’s natural cycle, he has several little feeds throughout the day.

Recently, Zoe and Zak spent a week holiday at the Collingwood Hotel in Bournemouth. One evening, in the hotel’s entertainment lounge, a female guest witnessed Zoe breast-feeding Zak. The woman complained to the hotel management. She claimed that her husband had to leave the room because allegedly Zoe had ‘allowed the child to pull down her dress resulting in the girl sitting opposite us with her breasts fully exposed for about an hour!’.

The hotel duty manager spoke to Zoe and asked her to be more discreet. Zoe was understandably upset and humiliated. She then met with the hotel owner and he told her that it was ok for her to breast feed Zak wherever and whenever she wanted.

Well done to the Collingwood Hotel owner for sticking up for Zoe and for breast-feeding mothers everywhere.

Last week that same guest wrote a review on Trip Advisor and this is what she said “We reported the incident and the duty manager did ask the girl to be more discreet however next day the girl complained to the owner and he told her she was entitled to breast feed in this manner wherever she pleased and so she did in front of everyone in the room every night for the rest of our stay”. 

She concluded by saying “It was unfortunate that this marred what otherwise would have been a most enjoyable holiday. We were not the only people offended by this and will not be returning unless the owner/manager shows courtesy to their elderly guests who would have otherwise enjoyed a pleasant evening”.

Is it necessary to make breast-feeding so ugly? How and where Zoe feeds Zak is her choice and is nobody’s business. And making such unkind comments that portray Zoe as some sort of exhibitionist is unacceptable. Further, implying that Zoe’s motive for breast-feeding is to display her breasts to everyone is demeaning and degrading.

As if Zoe's intention was to seduce the elderly male population in the Collingwood Hotel entertainment lounge. Zoe was simply feeding her baby.

Some people believe that a mother publicly breast-feeding her child is a breach of social decorum; it goes against their moral compass mainly because, I think, there is nudity (as in 'an exposed breast') involved. 

What I don’t understand is why there is this need to publicly humiliate and label a woman because of the way she chooses to feed their baby.

Always be kind, but if you can’t be kind,

Stop talking…

Picture:Virgin Mary breastfeeding the Christ child by Leonardo Da Vinci

There are no labels in ICU…

Before my father passed away he spent some time in the Intensive Care Unit. 

He was assigned Bed 2 of the 5 beds that were arranged in a semi circle. The other four beds were occupied but it was impossible to know who lay under the blankets their faces covered by oxygen masks – and it really did not matter if they were male, female, black, white, beautiful, ugly, old, young, gay, straight, trans, bi, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jewish.

For the most part, all 5 lay very still, the only sign of life came from the constant beeping of the monitors. The night that death came for Bed 4, time seemed to freeze for a few seconds. The ICU went completely silent for a few seconds and life was suspended for a few seconds. Then life took over very quickly and the beeps immediately got louder, more insistent, more urgent, the monitor’s lights were flashing red and the medical team was at the bedside in seconds. It did not matter who lay in the bed. When you meet death, face to face, you are not a label... you are precious life.

The labelling starts when you are only 9 or 10 years old; sometimes your classmates see in you something which is ‘not normal’, and you are labeled and you feel ashamed for being different. Most times it gets worse in high school. Sometimes, most times, the labels are purposely offensive and belittling (gay, freak, fag, retard, douche, homo, loser). Sometimes you get beaten up. 

Sometimes you tell a teacher or an adult, and you get told its only banter, you need to man-up. You try to suppress who you are and pretend to be someone else. Sometimes it works. Mostly it doesn’t. 

Sometimes you hate yourself. Most times you don’t know who you are anymore. 

You feel marginalised, isolated, depressed, ashamed, you suffer from low self-esteem. You feel hopeless. 

Sometimes you find someone who is like you. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad. 

You miss school to escape the bullying. Sometimes you give up on school altogether. 

Sometimes you give up on life. Sometimes the suicide attempts are a consequence of the depression that is brought on by the bullying that is started by a label.

You push through, hoping it will get better when you are 18. Sometimes it gets better.

You come ‘out’, now the world knows your secret. Sometimes there is more shame, more labels; this time from parents, siblings and grandparents. Sometimes you find yourself all alone because your family does not want you to be a part of the family.

As an adult, you can be who you want, live how you want, love who you want.  Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes the shame follows you. The labels follow you.

Sometimes, most times, you are defined by your sexual identity, not by who you are. 

In the end, you are and always have been a precious life.

                                     **********************************

On UnCommon Ground is a Social Enterprise I started because of the frustration and helplessness I felt watching my son go through so much suffering during his teenage years. 

The labelling of anyone who is perceived to be different needs to be stopped. 

OnUCG's exists to support those whose lives have been affected by labelling, who are passionate about living life on their own terms and who are looking to change the status quo.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/OnUCG

Twitter:     @OnUCG

  

Labels Are For Jars

From random dialogues, conversations and thoughts comes insight, reasoning, awareness and an opportunity to share and connect. For example, a casual remark on the Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino led to this random dialogue on labels… via Beyoncé, gays, equality (or lack of), hate crimes and Oprah. 
Towards the end of the article, Silva Neves, a good friend and a psychotherapist at The Hudson Centre gives his professional insight on the conversation. (It's always good to have an expert on board)

                    Labels Are For Jars

Setting…long drive to Essex to see family with The Boy.
Stop at Starbucks to pick up coffee… Carmel Frappuccinos.
Driving on the A20. Beyoncé plays in the background. Sipping the coffee or rather the frappucino.
And then the remark that triggered this random dialogue… “Starbucks makes good coffee. But why do they need to give coffee such fancy names? Coffee is just coffee, isn’t it?”

Which leads to…it's funny how we tend to emphasise that which makes people different. You mean like Beyoncé is referred to as a “Black singer/performer versus a singer/performer’
Or “ a Muslim terrorist versus terrorist”
Or "a gay marriage versus a marriage”
Or “ women owned business versus a business”
Or “a gay man versus a man”

Which leads to …how many people go round introducing himself or herself by their sexual identity and gender as in “Hi, I am a white heterosexual man or woman”? How many times have you heard Madonna or Katy Perry being referred to as white singers/performers? Never! And why is it ok to say ‘women owned business’ or ‘minority owned business’ but we never say a male owned business or a white owed business?

Which leads to… the media who perpetuate this practice (or began it) since every report in the paper will highlight that the person involved is gay, Black, Asian, Muslim, Jewish, disabled, and will also refer to their age, race and socio economic status. However they rarely, if ever, mention that the person is a white male, middle class, heterosexual and Christian.

Which leads to… the sham that is equality, that mainstay of our society, that word that is casually thrown around by anyone who wants to be seen as politically correct and that word that strikes fear into HR departments and politicians.
Equality = acceptance, yet as a rule we do not accept that which is not our “norm”. Mentally (subconsciously or not) we refuse to unconditionally accept that which does not accurately reflect or represent us and our beliefs, our values, our sexual orientation, our religion and our culture.

Which leads to… hate crimes. In an age where equality and tolerance is on everyone’s agenda, hate crimes are on the rise. Now that’s ironic. In 2014, the statistics are staggering with over 80,000 hate crimes being committed against race, sexual orientation, disability and religion. The Deputy Mayor for Policing and Crime (London) Stephen Greenlaigh sums up why hate crimes happen, “However far too often people become targets of hate crimes simply because of who they are or what they look like”. Seriously? Simply because people look or act different they should expect to be beaten up, vilified, marginalised and bullied.

Which leads to… being authentic. Oprah preaches that everyone needs to be their authentic self. If only we lived in a perfect world, Oprah! Well, it paid off for her, as evidenced in her now famous quote “I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I've become. If I had, I'd have done it a lot earlier”. However for many, the journey to their authentic self is filled with obstacles, heartbreak, despair, suffering and they may never arrive.

Which leads to… “I don’t like saying I am gay because the minute I do, something shifts, sometimes it is only a very very tiny shift but a shift nonetheless. And from that moment on I am labelled. My sexual preference defines me and who I am and what I do.”

Which leads to…“Why do I have to be defined by the labels society feels it needs to give me? Labels that they (society) made up and that they use to define who I am and what I am. I know who I am, I don’t need a label”.

Which leads to… “ Labels are for jars. People are not jars. I don’t need a label”.

Which leads us back to that random beginning..”Starbucks does have good coffee”. Agreed!

Silva’s insight to the conversation… “I get that, in a perfect world, labels are only for jars. I also agree that in our world today, equality is a sham. And true equality would make the world a better place.
However, the psychology of human beings is quite different. From our very first moment in this world we discriminate. A baby discriminates between the voices of his/her mother to those of strangers. The baby will decide whom to smile to and whom to scream at, based on what is familiar to him/her. Why? For survival!
Human beings are wired to survive. Although mostly unconscious, the survival instinct, present from birth, is one of the most primal inbuilt mechanisms in our brain.
We, as human beings, like what is familiar and fear what is not.
We like what looks like us and fear what looks different from us.
So, putting labels on things, and people, make us feel safe.
‘This person looks very different to me, wearing strange clothes and eating unknown food. But it is OK, because this person is Black African and therefore I feel safe because I know what it is that is different, and I don’t feel threatened’.

Labelling a Muslim terrorist makes us feel safe because we can dissociate from it, and say: ‘it is them, not me’.
Labelling a gay man makes the heterosexual population feel safe. ‘They are different, but it is ok, we know why, they are gay, so I’m safe, I don’t have to question myself.’

Also, if we want to be very particular, one can argue that a Starbucks coffee is not just coffee, it is coffee that has the particular flavour of Starbucks. When we say ‘Starbucks coffee’ we know we will not get Costa coffee.
A gay person needs to have the survival instinct switched on because of so much homophobia that still exists. Whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, a gay person continuously picks up messages about the world around them in order to evaluate what/ where is safe or not.
Currently there are so many subtle and not so subtle messages coming from Muslim and Christian communities wanting gay people dead. Based on those messages, a gay person’s survival instinct will be discriminatory…for the sake of safety. Therefore, subconsciously, it will require getting to know a Christian/Muslim person before fully trusting them. This is not the case if a gay man meets another gay man in Old Compton Street (sameness = safety).
Society feels the need to label people because, although labelling can and does have a lot of negative consequences, it also has one major advantage: safety. And the need for safety outweighs the need to be equal.
I also dream of a world where labels are just for jars. And because I am optimistic, I would like to believe it is possible. I think that the way we can achieve this as society is by education and experience.
If we all allowed ourselves to experience the world of others that are not like us, perhaps in time, we can re-wire our brain and reduce our inbuilt mechanism of safeguarding.
But there is a long way to go. Most groups stick together in area clusters, not engaging with the rest of society. I have met many Muslim people who have never left Tower Hamlets.I have met many gay people who refuse to step beyond Soho. 
We don’t mix enough. The multi-cultural society is also a sham. We are not mutli-cultural. We live side by side but we don’t really interact, engage and talk to each other enough.

Of course, I am not saying that everybody stays in clusters. There are many people who do mix comfortably with other cultures. But, in my opinion, there is not enough of us doing so.
And there is also too many groups that promote the death of others. 

Unfortunately, these groups do have a loud voice. Some hide behind religious ideas, as seen repeatedly in the case of homophobes.
When there is a step forward in equality, such as gay marriage, there is a big increase in those voices, trying to fight it, which, in turn, increases our inbuilt safeguarding mechanism, instead of reducing it.
Change, however, always starts with conversations such as this one, between The Boy and his mother. The cynical part of me does not believe that I will live long enough to see a world where ‘coming out’ is not necessary anymore, with true equality and acceptance of all, as one human race. But the hopeful part of me wishes that The Boy (who is much younger than me) will see that world in his lifetime”.

** Silva Neves is a qualified psychosexual, relationship and couple's therapist. He specialises in working with couples and individuals who experience difficulties in their intimate relationships and sexuality.

 How do you feel about labels?

Share your random thoughts, you never know where they will lead to...

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