Round and Round We Go… Because Choice Trumps Change, Every Time

Recently I was asked ‘If you had one opportunity to change one thing in the world, what would that one thing be?’  Many things, people and situations came to mind but I realised I was thinking in terms of elimination rather than change.

I find that change is very achievable on the physical level, like changing countries, changing homes, schools, jobs, partners; but changing how we think, how we feel about things is very difficult. Changing a mind-set, a belief is very hard and changing a social construct is damn near impossible.

Choice trumps change every time

For example, everyone knows or they should be aware, that it is fundamentally wrong and unacceptable to judge someone based on their race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, physical abilities, religious and political beliefs.

Millions of pounds have been spent on educating the universal population in diversity, equality and inclusivity. We all believe that the social construct has been changed and we now supposedly live in a more tolerant, more compassionate world. Yet, very recent statistics (yesterday in fact) show that hate crimes against the Jews and LBGT is on the rise. Again!

So not much changed there, despite the awareness programmes, the education and the laws that are in place to reflect the changes society has agreed to.  And the reason the hate crimes against Jews and LBGT are on the rise? because it is what people choose to do despite the belief that we as a society and individually have changed our mind set and the social construct.

It seems that every time the world is in crisis (which is practically all the time, lately), the hate crimes against these two populations rises. It is a case where choice trumps change; because  ultimately, it is the choices we make, consciously and subconsciously, individually, as a society and as a community,  that matter.

But there is one thing we cannot change and we have no choice in

We are all facing the same identical exit, no exception…All of us – regardless of who or what we are, what we believe in, what we fight for – we will all get old, our bodies and minds will slow down and then we will die. Every single one of us.

That time, between the first breath we all must take to start life to the last time we exhale, is a reflection of the choices we make every single day. 

Is your son gay...

Because you wanted a daughter after having 3 sons?

Because he grew up without a father?

Because he is looking for attention?

I get asked these unsolicited and uncalled for questions quite a lot….and many times from people who should know better. And worse, they behave like they have resolved the issue of why my son is gay, simply by pointing them out.

Perhaps the problem lies with those asking the questions; they need to sort themselves out and not keep trying to fix something that is NOT broken. My son is not broken, he never was. Neither is being gay something that needs to be fixed.

It’s frightening that people still really believe…

– that being gay is a choice…it’s not. We are mid way through 2015, surely everyone should know that by now.

– that a mother can choose to make her son gay… seriously! a f**ked up statement on so many levels. No one can make anyone gay…no one. And no amount of smothering, over protectiveness, and definitely no amount of cooking, shopping and watching TV with his mum, will make a son gay. 

– that the absence of a father plays a significant part in someone being gay… please think before you put this one out there. The implication that he is gay because he looking for a father figure is not only ridiculous but does not even make any logical sense. Enough said.

– that being gay is an attention seeking tactic…do you honestly believe that being bullied, called horrible names on a daily basis and having to learn to stay strong and true to yourself in a hostile world, is the way anyone would go about getting attention?  

Social media allows anyone to tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. But there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box….in many cases, it is simply a ticked box.

The sad reality is that most of world remains a hugely intolerant, hostile and homophobic place…a place where it is ok to keep asking these kind of ignorant questions and trying to ‘fix the problem’.

But here’s the thing, it’s not ok.

It is condescending, patronising and demeaning. No one has the right to tell anyone how to live their life, who to love, who to marry, how to behave; no one has the right to question or judge anyone because they are different to what they perceive to be the norm; and no one has the right to be anyone’s moral compass. 

It’s time to change the story….

There are no labels in ICU…

Before my father passed away he spent some time in the Intensive Care Unit. 

He was assigned Bed 2 of the 5 beds that were arranged in a semi circle. The other four beds were occupied but it was impossible to know who lay under the blankets their faces covered by oxygen masks – and it really did not matter if they were male, female, black, white, beautiful, ugly, old, young, gay, straight, trans, bi, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jewish.

For the most part, all 5 lay very still, the only sign of life came from the constant beeping of the monitors. The night that death came for Bed 4, time seemed to freeze for a few seconds. The ICU went completely silent for a few seconds and life was suspended for a few seconds. Then life took over very quickly and the beeps immediately got louder, more insistent, more urgent, the monitor’s lights were flashing red and the medical team was at the bedside in seconds. It did not matter who lay in the bed. When you meet death, face to face, you are not a label... you are precious life.

The labelling starts when you are only 9 or 10 years old; sometimes your classmates see in you something which is ‘not normal’, and you are labeled and you feel ashamed for being different. Most times it gets worse in high school. Sometimes, most times, the labels are purposely offensive and belittling (gay, freak, fag, retard, douche, homo, loser). Sometimes you get beaten up. 

Sometimes you tell a teacher or an adult, and you get told its only banter, you need to man-up. You try to suppress who you are and pretend to be someone else. Sometimes it works. Mostly it doesn’t. 

Sometimes you hate yourself. Most times you don’t know who you are anymore. 

You feel marginalised, isolated, depressed, ashamed, you suffer from low self-esteem. You feel hopeless. 

Sometimes you find someone who is like you. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad. 

You miss school to escape the bullying. Sometimes you give up on school altogether. 

Sometimes you give up on life. Sometimes the suicide attempts are a consequence of the depression that is brought on by the bullying that is started by a label.

You push through, hoping it will get better when you are 18. Sometimes it gets better.

You come ‘out’, now the world knows your secret. Sometimes there is more shame, more labels; this time from parents, siblings and grandparents. Sometimes you find yourself all alone because your family does not want you to be a part of the family.

As an adult, you can be who you want, live how you want, love who you want.  Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes the shame follows you. The labels follow you.

Sometimes, most times, you are defined by your sexual identity, not by who you are. 

In the end, you are and always have been a precious life.

                                     **********************************

On UnCommon Ground is a Social Enterprise I started because of the frustration and helplessness I felt watching my son go through so much suffering during his teenage years. 

The labelling of anyone who is perceived to be different needs to be stopped. 

OnUCG's exists to support those whose lives have been affected by labelling, who are passionate about living life on their own terms and who are looking to change the status quo.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/OnUCG

Twitter:     @OnUCG

  

Reality check on…The Horror, The Horror

I am seriously pissed off. And also very sad. 

A 17year old is beaten to within an inch of his life. By his friends. Why? Well, the fact that he is gay obviously bothered his ‘friends’ and so, they beat the shit out of him.

For being gay.  

As the mother of a gay son, I am horrified, saddened, angry and yes, pissed off by this news.

Not only because this could happen to my boy (and let's face it, this could happen to anyone else’s son/daughter/ brother/sister/ mother/father); 

But also because I really believed that my son was fortunate to be born in a time where tolerance and compassion were part of everyone’s consciousness; and his sexual identify would not define him as a person and he would not be labelled; where he could be and do what he chose since “”Everyone has the right to life and to live in freedom and safety” (Universal declaration of Human Rights). 

Am I delusional or what? Nothing has really changed, has it?

Is society still stuck in the mind-set of that sea of sameness as it has been since the beginning of time?...That same mind-set where anyone or anything, that is different, even a little bit, is automatically clocked and registered as abnormal and unacceptable.  

Granted that on the surface governments, corporations and businesses are seen to be working towards becoming more inclusive in the work place and they do make some effort to educate and inform people. 

But really? Do we need government mandates and training to accept gays, women and all diversity groups in the work place and in the community?

WTF? Are we that logically and consciousness deprived?

And what is normal and acceptable to this society? Here's what I think that list probably looks like and most likely, it has not changed much over the centuries:

1. A man can only be in a relationship with a woman. End of.
2. Its ok to eat animals that have been made to suffer needlessly and then brutally killed as long as you buy the meat at the supermarket.
3. Always worship that invisible god; the one who is vengeful, self-righteous and vindictive and who has a major issue with anyone who is NOT a straight, white, Christian male
4. If you have lots of money, you are automatically absolved of all wrongs
5. Making a bad choice makes you a bad person. Forever.
6. I am ok with everything as long as it does not affect me. In any way.
7. It’s not ok to judge but it is definitely ok and encouraged to criticise, publicly humiliate and ostracise anyone or anything that is unfamiliar or different.
8. Success is measured in the accumulation of the number of possessions you own
9. Be politically correct on the surface; as long as you are seen to be PC that’s all that matters. 
10. Everyone is considered my brother and sister as long as I am kept completely unaware of their existence.

What an incredibly close minded society we live in !

We have not evolved into decent human beings; we just got better at hiding how we really feel.

Social media makes it so easy for us to be universally seen as the intellectual, open minded, spiritual, accepting, non judgemental, free spirits we so obviously are not. 

We can visibly support same sex marriages, express outrage at the merciless treatment of battery chickens, sign petitions to stop child labour, domestic violence, child abuse… all the while we are smugly secure in the knowledge that we will never, ever be called upon to publicly defend any of the shit we are seen to be supporting.

Social media lets us tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. The sad reality is that there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box.

Back to the boy who was beaten for being gay… 
By the way, this is not an isolated incident; this senseless, aggressive, bullying is rampant the world over against gays, Jews, Romas, women, children, the list goes on and on. 

Here is a quick snapshot of recent UK hate crimes statistics:

Research by London LGBT hate crime charity Galop shows 98 homophobic and transphobic crimes are recorded each week by police across Britain 

Figures show hate crimes against Jewish people rose by 36% to 304 in first half of2014, followed by 130 in July alone 

How many more people need to be beaten, bullied, shamed and killed because of who they are or what they believe in? At what point do we draw the line in the sand and say enough is enough?

As you read the article about Dylan,many of you will probably shrug your shoulders, as in ‘it’s not my problem’ and move on; others may spare a couple of seconds lamenting the state of the world.  But for a significant number, it is a very real reminder that their world is not safe and that they live under the constant threat of violence and abuse.

This is not ok; I need the world to be a safe place for my son and for everyone else’s son and daughter. We all do!