Is your son gay...

Because you wanted a daughter after having 3 sons?

Because he grew up without a father?

Because he is looking for attention?

I get asked these unsolicited and uncalled for questions quite a lot….and many times from people who should know better. And worse, they behave like they have resolved the issue of why my son is gay, simply by pointing them out.

Perhaps the problem lies with those asking the questions; they need to sort themselves out and not keep trying to fix something that is NOT broken. My son is not broken, he never was. Neither is being gay something that needs to be fixed.

It’s frightening that people still really believe…

– that being gay is a choice…it’s not. We are mid way through 2015, surely everyone should know that by now.

– that a mother can choose to make her son gay… seriously! a f**ked up statement on so many levels. No one can make anyone gay…no one. And no amount of smothering, over protectiveness, and definitely no amount of cooking, shopping and watching TV with his mum, will make a son gay. 

– that the absence of a father plays a significant part in someone being gay… please think before you put this one out there. The implication that he is gay because he looking for a father figure is not only ridiculous but does not even make any logical sense. Enough said.

– that being gay is an attention seeking tactic…do you honestly believe that being bullied, called horrible names on a daily basis and having to learn to stay strong and true to yourself in a hostile world, is the way anyone would go about getting attention?  

Social media allows anyone to tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. But there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box….in many cases, it is simply a ticked box.

The sad reality is that most of world remains a hugely intolerant, hostile and homophobic place…a place where it is ok to keep asking these kind of ignorant questions and trying to ‘fix the problem’.

But here’s the thing, it’s not ok.

It is condescending, patronising and demeaning. No one has the right to tell anyone how to live their life, who to love, who to marry, how to behave; no one has the right to question or judge anyone because they are different to what they perceive to be the norm; and no one has the right to be anyone’s moral compass. 

It’s time to change the story….

Positivity – a side effect of watching the RuPaul Drag Race series

RuPaul is the mentor, the host, the singer and the judge of Drag Race, a reality show that follows 15 (sometimes more) drag queens as they compete to become America’s Next Drag Superstar.

If, like me you have been unaware of this show and if, also like me, you thought it had something to do with car racing, then perhaps like me you ended up checking it out one night on Netflix and got completely captivated and riveted to the series. I ended up spending 2 consecutive weekends binging on seasons 1 though 6. Yes, it is that good. Why? I don’t know why it is so good but sometimes, shows like this one defy standard reasoning. One thing that I did find is that watching RuPaul’s Drag Race will definitely put you in a good mood and you also tend to get very positive about life in general.

The show is very entertaining with the dramas, challenges, meltdowns and breakdowns, triumphs and failures, tears and laughs, and seriously impressive make up skills.

I think the fact that RuPaul does not take himself or life so seriously is what makes the show so uplifting. I like that he is not hung up about pronouns, and I love that he also sings even though he is not the best at it; that he has the ability to transform himself into an amazingly beautiful woman with a personality to match. Also, he has so many products he sells, I am sure he finds it hard to keep up with them all.  If only more people were like him: happy with who and what they are, can find the humour in life, don’t take themselves seriously and are always kind and authentic.

Then he sprouts those catch phrases and quotes that are a breath of fresh air, compared to the wishy-washy, new age and politically correct quotes that are so popular on social media.

Although, they do get stuck in your head.  Forever.

So  “can I get an amen in here” to 7 of RuPaul’s best…

• When you become the image of your own imagination, it's the most powerful thing you could ever do."
• My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker
• All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
• When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent. 
• Remember to love yourself, because if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
• Can I get an amen in here?
• You are born naked, the rest is drag. 

There are no labels in ICU…

Before my father passed away he spent some time in the Intensive Care Unit. 

He was assigned Bed 2 of the 5 beds that were arranged in a semi circle. The other four beds were occupied but it was impossible to know who lay under the blankets their faces covered by oxygen masks – and it really did not matter if they were male, female, black, white, beautiful, ugly, old, young, gay, straight, trans, bi, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jewish.

For the most part, all 5 lay very still, the only sign of life came from the constant beeping of the monitors. The night that death came for Bed 4, time seemed to freeze for a few seconds. The ICU went completely silent for a few seconds and life was suspended for a few seconds. Then life took over very quickly and the beeps immediately got louder, more insistent, more urgent, the monitor’s lights were flashing red and the medical team was at the bedside in seconds. It did not matter who lay in the bed. When you meet death, face to face, you are not a label... you are precious life.

The labelling starts when you are only 9 or 10 years old; sometimes your classmates see in you something which is ‘not normal’, and you are labeled and you feel ashamed for being different. Most times it gets worse in high school. Sometimes, most times, the labels are purposely offensive and belittling (gay, freak, fag, retard, douche, homo, loser). Sometimes you get beaten up. 

Sometimes you tell a teacher or an adult, and you get told its only banter, you need to man-up. You try to suppress who you are and pretend to be someone else. Sometimes it works. Mostly it doesn’t. 

Sometimes you hate yourself. Most times you don’t know who you are anymore. 

You feel marginalised, isolated, depressed, ashamed, you suffer from low self-esteem. You feel hopeless. 

Sometimes you find someone who is like you. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad. 

You miss school to escape the bullying. Sometimes you give up on school altogether. 

Sometimes you give up on life. Sometimes the suicide attempts are a consequence of the depression that is brought on by the bullying that is started by a label.

You push through, hoping it will get better when you are 18. Sometimes it gets better.

You come ‘out’, now the world knows your secret. Sometimes there is more shame, more labels; this time from parents, siblings and grandparents. Sometimes you find yourself all alone because your family does not want you to be a part of the family.

As an adult, you can be who you want, live how you want, love who you want.  Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes the shame follows you. The labels follow you.

Sometimes, most times, you are defined by your sexual identity, not by who you are. 

In the end, you are and always have been a precious life.

                                     **********************************

On UnCommon Ground is a Social Enterprise I started because of the frustration and helplessness I felt watching my son go through so much suffering during his teenage years. 

The labelling of anyone who is perceived to be different needs to be stopped. 

OnUCG's exists to support those whose lives have been affected by labelling, who are passionate about living life on their own terms and who are looking to change the status quo.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/OnUCG

Twitter:     @OnUCG

  

So this is it… what I learnt so far, when it comes to living your purpose in life.

I have had a long standing debate with a close friend on whether needing to live your purpose in life is 'our reason for being' (her) or if its just another 'new age feel good sentiment that is technically a cop out when you are not happy doing what you are doing' (me).

She was right and I was wrong.  James Altucher was right and I was wrong. Oprah was right and I was wrong.

So here goes, this is what I have learnt so far...

I learnt that your purpose in life finds you, you don’t find it.

I learnt that your life purpose cannot be planned or created. It happens when you least expect it and it happens naturally. 

I learnt that it starts with a small thought you had years ago, that stays in the back of your mind and that grows organically over the years.

And I learnt that life is deliberate and our reactions to life situations are usually the building blocks of your life purpose.

I learnt life can be so unfair, so hard, so unpredictable and some times life can be the sweetest and most satisfying experience you will ever have. 

And I learnt that finding your purpose in life will get you more of those sweet moments.

And I learnt that all the planning and preparation in the world is useless if you are not on your way to doing what you are meant to be doing.

And I learnt that people that you come to love and think are crucial to your life, quickly disappear when you get yourself on the road to where you need to be.

And I learnt that when you realise what it is that you need to be doing it is frightening and terrifying.

And I learnt that you when you find that purpose in life you develop a permanent ‘Christmas Eve’ kind of feeling.

And I learnt that you learn to live with the voices in your head constantly whispering (loudly), ‘what the f**k are you doing?'

And I learnt that the moment that you understand and accept what you need to do, it is also the moment you begin questioning your sanity.

And I learnt that a sure way to know you are on the right path is when doors are flung open for you and even thought you are afraid to find out what is on the other side of them, you can’t help but run through them.

And I learnt when it is not 100% about you, it is a scary realisation that you may somehow be responsible for people you have not yet met and may never meet. But that will be positively affected by your purpose in life.

And I learnt that having a purpose in life and living your purpose is not the same thing. Having a purpose is an abstract lovely feeling and living it is really hard work; it consumes you and penetrates every aspect of every minute of your life.

And I learnt that every day you will have a thousand and one reasons not to keep moving forward and it is paralysing; but still you find yourself taking a tiny step every day; you may not always move forward as sometimes you find you have gone backwards, and sometimes sideways but you do take a baby step or two.

And I learnt that when you are doing what you are meant to be doing success and failure doesn’t figure in the equation, making money is not the point even though you still stress about the bills.

And I learnt that you need to keep pushing yourself out of your own way because it’s so not about you.

And I learnt that you find strength where you thought there was none, you share knowledge that you did not know you possessed and you speak with such passion you even impress yourself.

I don’t know where this project will take me but if feels like I was born to do this and everything I have gone through and lived through so far...has led up to this moment. Stay tuned!