Positivity – a side effect of watching the RuPaul Drag Race series

RuPaul is the mentor, the host, the singer and the judge of Drag Race, a reality show that follows 15 (sometimes more) drag queens as they compete to become America’s Next Drag Superstar.

If, like me you have been unaware of this show and if, also like me, you thought it had something to do with car racing, then perhaps like me you ended up checking it out one night on Netflix and got completely captivated and riveted to the series. I ended up spending 2 consecutive weekends binging on seasons 1 though 6. Yes, it is that good. Why? I don’t know why it is so good but sometimes, shows like this one defy standard reasoning. One thing that I did find is that watching RuPaul’s Drag Race will definitely put you in a good mood and you also tend to get very positive about life in general.

The show is very entertaining with the dramas, challenges, meltdowns and breakdowns, triumphs and failures, tears and laughs, and seriously impressive make up skills.

I think the fact that RuPaul does not take himself or life so seriously is what makes the show so uplifting. I like that he is not hung up about pronouns, and I love that he also sings even though he is not the best at it; that he has the ability to transform himself into an amazingly beautiful woman with a personality to match. Also, he has so many products he sells, I am sure he finds it hard to keep up with them all.  If only more people were like him: happy with who and what they are, can find the humour in life, don’t take themselves seriously and are always kind and authentic.

Then he sprouts those catch phrases and quotes that are a breath of fresh air, compared to the wishy-washy, new age and politically correct quotes that are so popular on social media.

Although, they do get stuck in your head.  Forever.

So  “can I get an amen in here” to 7 of RuPaul’s best…

• When you become the image of your own imagination, it's the most powerful thing you could ever do."
• My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker
• All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
• When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent. 
• Remember to love yourself, because if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
• Can I get an amen in here?
• You are born naked, the rest is drag. 

So this is it… what I learnt so far, when it comes to living your purpose in life.

I have had a long standing debate with a close friend on whether needing to live your purpose in life is 'our reason for being' (her) or if its just another 'new age feel good sentiment that is technically a cop out when you are not happy doing what you are doing' (me).

She was right and I was wrong.  James Altucher was right and I was wrong. Oprah was right and I was wrong.

So here goes, this is what I have learnt so far...

I learnt that your purpose in life finds you, you don’t find it.

I learnt that your life purpose cannot be planned or created. It happens when you least expect it and it happens naturally. 

I learnt that it starts with a small thought you had years ago, that stays in the back of your mind and that grows organically over the years.

And I learnt that life is deliberate and our reactions to life situations are usually the building blocks of your life purpose.

I learnt life can be so unfair, so hard, so unpredictable and some times life can be the sweetest and most satisfying experience you will ever have. 

And I learnt that finding your purpose in life will get you more of those sweet moments.

And I learnt that all the planning and preparation in the world is useless if you are not on your way to doing what you are meant to be doing.

And I learnt that people that you come to love and think are crucial to your life, quickly disappear when you get yourself on the road to where you need to be.

And I learnt that when you realise what it is that you need to be doing it is frightening and terrifying.

And I learnt that you when you find that purpose in life you develop a permanent ‘Christmas Eve’ kind of feeling.

And I learnt that you learn to live with the voices in your head constantly whispering (loudly), ‘what the f**k are you doing?'

And I learnt that the moment that you understand and accept what you need to do, it is also the moment you begin questioning your sanity.

And I learnt that a sure way to know you are on the right path is when doors are flung open for you and even thought you are afraid to find out what is on the other side of them, you can’t help but run through them.

And I learnt when it is not 100% about you, it is a scary realisation that you may somehow be responsible for people you have not yet met and may never meet. But that will be positively affected by your purpose in life.

And I learnt that having a purpose in life and living your purpose is not the same thing. Having a purpose is an abstract lovely feeling and living it is really hard work; it consumes you and penetrates every aspect of every minute of your life.

And I learnt that every day you will have a thousand and one reasons not to keep moving forward and it is paralysing; but still you find yourself taking a tiny step every day; you may not always move forward as sometimes you find you have gone backwards, and sometimes sideways but you do take a baby step or two.

And I learnt that when you are doing what you are meant to be doing success and failure doesn’t figure in the equation, making money is not the point even though you still stress about the bills.

And I learnt that you need to keep pushing yourself out of your own way because it’s so not about you.

And I learnt that you find strength where you thought there was none, you share knowledge that you did not know you possessed and you speak with such passion you even impress yourself.

I don’t know where this project will take me but if feels like I was born to do this and everything I have gone through and lived through so far...has led up to this moment. Stay tuned!

Labels Are For Jars

From random dialogues, conversations and thoughts comes insight, reasoning, awareness and an opportunity to share and connect. For example, a casual remark on the Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino led to this random dialogue on labels… via Beyoncé, gays, equality (or lack of), hate crimes and Oprah. 
Towards the end of the article, Silva Neves, a good friend and a psychotherapist at The Hudson Centre gives his professional insight on the conversation. (It's always good to have an expert on board)

                    Labels Are For Jars

Setting…long drive to Essex to see family with The Boy.
Stop at Starbucks to pick up coffee… Carmel Frappuccinos.
Driving on the A20. Beyoncé plays in the background. Sipping the coffee or rather the frappucino.
And then the remark that triggered this random dialogue… “Starbucks makes good coffee. But why do they need to give coffee such fancy names? Coffee is just coffee, isn’t it?”

Which leads to…it's funny how we tend to emphasise that which makes people different. You mean like Beyoncé is referred to as a “Black singer/performer versus a singer/performer’
Or “ a Muslim terrorist versus terrorist”
Or "a gay marriage versus a marriage”
Or “ women owned business versus a business”
Or “a gay man versus a man”

Which leads to …how many people go round introducing himself or herself by their sexual identity and gender as in “Hi, I am a white heterosexual man or woman”? How many times have you heard Madonna or Katy Perry being referred to as white singers/performers? Never! And why is it ok to say ‘women owned business’ or ‘minority owned business’ but we never say a male owned business or a white owed business?

Which leads to… the media who perpetuate this practice (or began it) since every report in the paper will highlight that the person involved is gay, Black, Asian, Muslim, Jewish, disabled, and will also refer to their age, race and socio economic status. However they rarely, if ever, mention that the person is a white male, middle class, heterosexual and Christian.

Which leads to… the sham that is equality, that mainstay of our society, that word that is casually thrown around by anyone who wants to be seen as politically correct and that word that strikes fear into HR departments and politicians.
Equality = acceptance, yet as a rule we do not accept that which is not our “norm”. Mentally (subconsciously or not) we refuse to unconditionally accept that which does not accurately reflect or represent us and our beliefs, our values, our sexual orientation, our religion and our culture.

Which leads to… hate crimes. In an age where equality and tolerance is on everyone’s agenda, hate crimes are on the rise. Now that’s ironic. In 2014, the statistics are staggering with over 80,000 hate crimes being committed against race, sexual orientation, disability and religion. The Deputy Mayor for Policing and Crime (London) Stephen Greenlaigh sums up why hate crimes happen, “However far too often people become targets of hate crimes simply because of who they are or what they look like”. Seriously? Simply because people look or act different they should expect to be beaten up, vilified, marginalised and bullied.

Which leads to… being authentic. Oprah preaches that everyone needs to be their authentic self. If only we lived in a perfect world, Oprah! Well, it paid off for her, as evidenced in her now famous quote “I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I've become. If I had, I'd have done it a lot earlier”. However for many, the journey to their authentic self is filled with obstacles, heartbreak, despair, suffering and they may never arrive.

Which leads to… “I don’t like saying I am gay because the minute I do, something shifts, sometimes it is only a very very tiny shift but a shift nonetheless. And from that moment on I am labelled. My sexual preference defines me and who I am and what I do.”

Which leads to…“Why do I have to be defined by the labels society feels it needs to give me? Labels that they (society) made up and that they use to define who I am and what I am. I know who I am, I don’t need a label”.

Which leads to… “ Labels are for jars. People are not jars. I don’t need a label”.

Which leads us back to that random beginning..”Starbucks does have good coffee”. Agreed!

Silva’s insight to the conversation… “I get that, in a perfect world, labels are only for jars. I also agree that in our world today, equality is a sham. And true equality would make the world a better place.
However, the psychology of human beings is quite different. From our very first moment in this world we discriminate. A baby discriminates between the voices of his/her mother to those of strangers. The baby will decide whom to smile to and whom to scream at, based on what is familiar to him/her. Why? For survival!
Human beings are wired to survive. Although mostly unconscious, the survival instinct, present from birth, is one of the most primal inbuilt mechanisms in our brain.
We, as human beings, like what is familiar and fear what is not.
We like what looks like us and fear what looks different from us.
So, putting labels on things, and people, make us feel safe.
‘This person looks very different to me, wearing strange clothes and eating unknown food. But it is OK, because this person is Black African and therefore I feel safe because I know what it is that is different, and I don’t feel threatened’.

Labelling a Muslim terrorist makes us feel safe because we can dissociate from it, and say: ‘it is them, not me’.
Labelling a gay man makes the heterosexual population feel safe. ‘They are different, but it is ok, we know why, they are gay, so I’m safe, I don’t have to question myself.’

Also, if we want to be very particular, one can argue that a Starbucks coffee is not just coffee, it is coffee that has the particular flavour of Starbucks. When we say ‘Starbucks coffee’ we know we will not get Costa coffee.
A gay person needs to have the survival instinct switched on because of so much homophobia that still exists. Whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, a gay person continuously picks up messages about the world around them in order to evaluate what/ where is safe or not.
Currently there are so many subtle and not so subtle messages coming from Muslim and Christian communities wanting gay people dead. Based on those messages, a gay person’s survival instinct will be discriminatory…for the sake of safety. Therefore, subconsciously, it will require getting to know a Christian/Muslim person before fully trusting them. This is not the case if a gay man meets another gay man in Old Compton Street (sameness = safety).
Society feels the need to label people because, although labelling can and does have a lot of negative consequences, it also has one major advantage: safety. And the need for safety outweighs the need to be equal.
I also dream of a world where labels are just for jars. And because I am optimistic, I would like to believe it is possible. I think that the way we can achieve this as society is by education and experience.
If we all allowed ourselves to experience the world of others that are not like us, perhaps in time, we can re-wire our brain and reduce our inbuilt mechanism of safeguarding.
But there is a long way to go. Most groups stick together in area clusters, not engaging with the rest of society. I have met many Muslim people who have never left Tower Hamlets.I have met many gay people who refuse to step beyond Soho. 
We don’t mix enough. The multi-cultural society is also a sham. We are not mutli-cultural. We live side by side but we don’t really interact, engage and talk to each other enough.

Of course, I am not saying that everybody stays in clusters. There are many people who do mix comfortably with other cultures. But, in my opinion, there is not enough of us doing so.
And there is also too many groups that promote the death of others. 

Unfortunately, these groups do have a loud voice. Some hide behind religious ideas, as seen repeatedly in the case of homophobes.
When there is a step forward in equality, such as gay marriage, there is a big increase in those voices, trying to fight it, which, in turn, increases our inbuilt safeguarding mechanism, instead of reducing it.
Change, however, always starts with conversations such as this one, between The Boy and his mother. The cynical part of me does not believe that I will live long enough to see a world where ‘coming out’ is not necessary anymore, with true equality and acceptance of all, as one human race. But the hopeful part of me wishes that The Boy (who is much younger than me) will see that world in his lifetime”.

** Silva Neves is a qualified psychosexual, relationship and couple's therapist. He specialises in working with couples and individuals who experience difficulties in their intimate relationships and sexuality.

 How do you feel about labels?

Share your random thoughts, you never know where they will lead to...

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