Living your purpose in life comes with steep learning curves...

In the wake of doing that ‘something’ I am passionate about and 'living my life purpose', I find that there are times when I need to take a deep breath, and some days, I need many of those deep breaths. I need to stop and assess where I am, where I am going. Interestingly, I never need to assess the why? That’s an unmovable constant.

The last eight weeks have been amazing but also a huge learning curve...

THE DETAILS, THE DETAILS….I know that while I am very capable of hitting the ground running with all the passion, enthusiasm and discipline of an Olympic athlete, I am equally capable of neglecting the smaller details. Those small mundane ones, that over time can and will come back to haunt me.  And as everyone who has started a business, charity or project knows, the devil is in those details. 

LETTING GO… that’s a big challenge for me but a necessary skill I must acquire and excel at if this project is to succeed. So I am on it and learning every day to let go of certain expectations, disappointments, setbacks and even people.

THE COMFORT ZONE... now this one is a mixed bag. The Comfort Zone is called that for a good reason – being in my comfort zone I produce great work, have amazing ideas, I talk the talk. Then I step outside the zone, even just a few millimetres and sometimes its like being on the front line….incoming missiles are raining down on me from all sides (in the form of those voices in my head).        

So I came up with a strategy. Instead of stepping outside of my comfort zone, I now push the parameters of my comfort zone further out, a millimetre at a time. It’s working and eventually my comfort zone will be a huge region.

KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT... when some people tell me the project won’t work but don’t really tell me the reason why not. I am willing to listen to constructive criticisms but just saying “well that won’t work” and then leaving the statement floating in the air, pisses me off (and I quote) “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. But I am working on recognising the difference between those people who are just making noise and those who actually have a point to make.

TRUSTING MY INTUITION... This weekend someone told me ‘that I need to trust my intuition, listen to what my gut is telling me’. One area where this intuition thingy comes into play is ‘time and money’ - I do need heaps more of both and I feel panicked at odd moments of the day and night. Yet, I know it will be resolved, I don’t know how or when but it will and I just need to keep moving forward.

That statement right there terrifies me but I am guessing that learning to trust my intuition also means overriding the negatives and the rational and replacing them with the certainty that all will work out as it should.

Countering all of this is the 'effortless and the happening naturally' of the project- the flinging open of doors, the support I receive every day from people I know and those I don’t, the wonderful people I am meeting, the happiness and calmness  I feel when I talk and work on the project and best of all, the feeling of pure joy when the project connects with the people it is intended to for.

So this is it… what I learnt so far, when it comes to living your purpose in life.

I have had a long standing debate with a close friend on whether needing to live your purpose in life is 'our reason for being' (her) or if its just another 'new age feel good sentiment that is technically a cop out when you are not happy doing what you are doing' (me).

She was right and I was wrong.  James Altucher was right and I was wrong. Oprah was right and I was wrong.

So here goes, this is what I have learnt so far...

I learnt that your purpose in life finds you, you don’t find it.

I learnt that your life purpose cannot be planned or created. It happens when you least expect it and it happens naturally. 

I learnt that it starts with a small thought you had years ago, that stays in the back of your mind and that grows organically over the years.

And I learnt that life is deliberate and our reactions to life situations are usually the building blocks of your life purpose.

I learnt life can be so unfair, so hard, so unpredictable and some times life can be the sweetest and most satisfying experience you will ever have. 

And I learnt that finding your purpose in life will get you more of those sweet moments.

And I learnt that all the planning and preparation in the world is useless if you are not on your way to doing what you are meant to be doing.

And I learnt that people that you come to love and think are crucial to your life, quickly disappear when you get yourself on the road to where you need to be.

And I learnt that when you realise what it is that you need to be doing it is frightening and terrifying.

And I learnt that you when you find that purpose in life you develop a permanent ‘Christmas Eve’ kind of feeling.

And I learnt that you learn to live with the voices in your head constantly whispering (loudly), ‘what the f**k are you doing?'

And I learnt that the moment that you understand and accept what you need to do, it is also the moment you begin questioning your sanity.

And I learnt that a sure way to know you are on the right path is when doors are flung open for you and even thought you are afraid to find out what is on the other side of them, you can’t help but run through them.

And I learnt when it is not 100% about you, it is a scary realisation that you may somehow be responsible for people you have not yet met and may never meet. But that will be positively affected by your purpose in life.

And I learnt that having a purpose in life and living your purpose is not the same thing. Having a purpose is an abstract lovely feeling and living it is really hard work; it consumes you and penetrates every aspect of every minute of your life.

And I learnt that every day you will have a thousand and one reasons not to keep moving forward and it is paralysing; but still you find yourself taking a tiny step every day; you may not always move forward as sometimes you find you have gone backwards, and sometimes sideways but you do take a baby step or two.

And I learnt that when you are doing what you are meant to be doing success and failure doesn’t figure in the equation, making money is not the point even though you still stress about the bills.

And I learnt that you need to keep pushing yourself out of your own way because it’s so not about you.

And I learnt that you find strength where you thought there was none, you share knowledge that you did not know you possessed and you speak with such passion you even impress yourself.

I don’t know where this project will take me but if feels like I was born to do this and everything I have gone through and lived through so far...has led up to this moment. Stay tuned!

Reality Check....On Expectations

Expectations, we all have them.  However, I don’t think we know how to handle it when those expectations are not met, and when people or situations fail to live up to our expectations. We get angry, disappointed, put upon,and disheartened; we play the blame game (starting with them and then ourselves), we rant and rave. But we don't ever really get people to live up or meet our expectations.

So when expectations are not met, the escalation into major dramas is inevitable.

Think of how many friendships, partnerships, marriages and families have broken up because expectations were not met. Wars are started because of unmet exceptions. We pretend our expectations don’t matter.  But they do matter, a lot. They are the compass we use to subconsciously ensure that our needs are being met.

In this time of new age fluffiness, having expectations is seen as a no-no. Quite possibly your expectations are unreasonable and demanding. It’s all about being “authentic”. (I so don’t like the word - authentic- what does it really mean anyway?).

I think the problem is that we now live in a society where everyone is so far up their own butts and they are so consumed with themselves and their life that they don’t give a shit about anyone else - Its so all about me.

Why is it so unreasonable to have expectations, especially from people you love, work with, from friends, family, spouses, kids, politicians, celebrities and brands, and actually, from life itself.

I don’t believe people who say that they don’t have expectations, because if you are human, then you have expectations. You do a good job, you expect recognition, a pat on the back, a thank you. If you go out of your way to help someone, then you do accept some gratitude. if you are paying someone to do a job then you expect that they will at the very least put the time and effort in to do a good job.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to have expectations. Rather, it makes you a person who knows where and what their boundaries are, what is acceptable to them and what isn’t and who know what they want. Is that so bad?

Of course, expectations are a two way street; If your expectation is that your local barista provides you with excellent coffee, every day, the barista’s expectation is a genuine “thank you” and perhaps a smile to acknowledge his daily effort.

I get that people are not mind readers and don’t know what our expectations are…but really do we have to spell out everything? I got to the point where, in the words of Cheryl Cole, "I don't care and it feels so fucking good to say I swear, I don't care".....      

Reality Check On...Dealing with Life’s Crap Cycle

A sure way to ignite the crap cycle: 

All is good in your world, everything is running smoothly and life, it seems, can only get better.

Career – check

Kids – check

Relationship – check

Friends – check

Money – check  

Clients - check

Nothing bothers you, you love everyone and everyone loves you back, you feel confident that no matter what tomorrow brings, you can handle it. 

And at that point, we have ignition, and

All hell breaks loose …

Most times its like a tidal wave and wipes you out in one shot. Occasionally it is a series of precision military-like strikes that cause your life to unravel chunk by chunk.

Life is kind of like the stock market - a constant cycle of ups and downs, and then a crash.

Then the cycle begins again…up, down, crash and again and again…

It does not seem random, but I also don’t accept the different schools of thought of why the crap cycle keeps happening over and over. 

Here are 3 of the more popular theories:

1. You need to learn some lesson (it is usually something from a past life so good luck trying to figure that one out) and until you get it then the same crap cycle will keep happening.

2. You have self-limiting beliefs that you are blocking you. Personally I don’t believe that experiences you have when you were under the age of  5 years old have the power to dictate your adult life.

3. You keep pissing off the Universe with negative thoughts and the Universe, as we all know, pays back in kind. This one cracks me up because the crap usually hits when things are going really well.

Or perhaps it's simply, as my grandfather was fond of saying “life is a bowl of shit with a single cherry on top” which is a rather depressing way of looking at life but probably has some truth to it.

The worst bit is that when your life is spiralling out of control, you are expected to stay calm, positive, give gratitude for what you have (left?) , understand that you will come out of this stronger than ever, oh and know that there are people who are worse off. 

And to help you stay calm, positive and grateful you will be assaulted with motivational quotes from all the social media platforms. You know the ones I mean – quotes like:

“Our difficulties are golden opportunities to reveal even more potential in this world”

“Let go and Let God”

“You have to be at your strongest, when you are feeling at your weakness’.

“You are the architect of your life”

And be prepared as they will keep coming…relentlessly! Along with the latest mantras, manifestation techniques, LOA teachings: everything you need to be doing in order to achieve that perfect life, which is ironic as you had a good life but just lost it because the crap cycle hit.

My mother believes (and she is dead serious when she tells me this) that we experience the bad shit (she uses another word) in our lives because we don’t pray to God anymore, we don’t go to church anymore and we have abandoned God.

This makes me think of a God with a huge scoreboard with everyone’s name on it and when we are not paying attention to him or visiting him, it pisses him off and he unleashes his wrath on us. Fascinating. 

It's obvious that there is no such thing as going though crap and once you are out on the other side, you get to live happily ever after…if only that were the case!

Because as we already know when you are succeeding in getting your life to a good place, the crap comes charging at you and you are back to ground zero or pretty close to the floor anyway.

The Do's to survive the crap cycle:

Do be horrified and panic.

How did I not see it coming?; Why? Not again? ; What the f**k did I do to deserve this?; Say F**k a lot; and then say it some more. It's very therapeutic. 

Do get sad.

Yes I know in 2014 no one gets sad anymore; we are either depressed or stressed, but being sad is good. It's actually quite liberating to feel sad, who knew? Plus, when I am at the sad stage, I have an awesome pity party – on the couch, complete with bottles of wine/tea/coffee, gallons of ice cream/junk food and watch hours of mindless tv and B list movies.

Do Get Angry

It's ok to get angry. Scream, yell, shout. The tendency today is to accept that everything happens for a reason and for our own good. But sometimes crap just happens and it's is only human to be angry when things don't go the way we want them to. 

Do ride the waves (figuratively,but you knew that). Just to be clear, many times I don’t catch the waves ( I am either not ready, don’t have the energy or just can't be bothered). Sometimes I try to ride the waves but I get hammered. But then that perfect wave comes along and it has enough momentum and speed to get me to the other side. 

Hang Ten, oh yeah! 

I know the crap cycle will always come back, that’s a given… but it still takes me by surprise every time it hits. Truth is, on the up rotation I forget all about the crap cycle. I get so excited that life is finally working out for me, because when life is good, it's awesome. I fall in love with my life all over again. Life is good and I have it all figured out, finally.

But of course that’s the cue for ignition…

Reality check on…The Horror, The Horror

I am seriously pissed off. And also very sad. 

A 17year old is beaten to within an inch of his life. By his friends. Why? Well, the fact that he is gay obviously bothered his ‘friends’ and so, they beat the shit out of him.

For being gay.  

As the mother of a gay son, I am horrified, saddened, angry and yes, pissed off by this news.

Not only because this could happen to my boy (and let's face it, this could happen to anyone else’s son/daughter/ brother/sister/ mother/father); 

But also because I really believed that my son was fortunate to be born in a time where tolerance and compassion were part of everyone’s consciousness; and his sexual identify would not define him as a person and he would not be labelled; where he could be and do what he chose since “”Everyone has the right to life and to live in freedom and safety” (Universal declaration of Human Rights). 

Am I delusional or what? Nothing has really changed, has it?

Is society still stuck in the mind-set of that sea of sameness as it has been since the beginning of time?...That same mind-set where anyone or anything, that is different, even a little bit, is automatically clocked and registered as abnormal and unacceptable.  

Granted that on the surface governments, corporations and businesses are seen to be working towards becoming more inclusive in the work place and they do make some effort to educate and inform people. 

But really? Do we need government mandates and training to accept gays, women and all diversity groups in the work place and in the community?

WTF? Are we that logically and consciousness deprived?

And what is normal and acceptable to this society? Here's what I think that list probably looks like and most likely, it has not changed much over the centuries:

1. A man can only be in a relationship with a woman. End of.
2. Its ok to eat animals that have been made to suffer needlessly and then brutally killed as long as you buy the meat at the supermarket.
3. Always worship that invisible god; the one who is vengeful, self-righteous and vindictive and who has a major issue with anyone who is NOT a straight, white, Christian male
4. If you have lots of money, you are automatically absolved of all wrongs
5. Making a bad choice makes you a bad person. Forever.
6. I am ok with everything as long as it does not affect me. In any way.
7. It’s not ok to judge but it is definitely ok and encouraged to criticise, publicly humiliate and ostracise anyone or anything that is unfamiliar or different.
8. Success is measured in the accumulation of the number of possessions you own
9. Be politically correct on the surface; as long as you are seen to be PC that’s all that matters. 
10. Everyone is considered my brother and sister as long as I am kept completely unaware of their existence.

What an incredibly close minded society we live in !

We have not evolved into decent human beings; we just got better at hiding how we really feel.

Social media makes it so easy for us to be universally seen as the intellectual, open minded, spiritual, accepting, non judgemental, free spirits we so obviously are not. 

We can visibly support same sex marriages, express outrage at the merciless treatment of battery chickens, sign petitions to stop child labour, domestic violence, child abuse… all the while we are smugly secure in the knowledge that we will never, ever be called upon to publicly defend any of the shit we are seen to be supporting.

Social media lets us tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. The sad reality is that there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box.

Back to the boy who was beaten for being gay… 
By the way, this is not an isolated incident; this senseless, aggressive, bullying is rampant the world over against gays, Jews, Romas, women, children, the list goes on and on. 

Here is a quick snapshot of recent UK hate crimes statistics:

Research by London LGBT hate crime charity Galop shows 98 homophobic and transphobic crimes are recorded each week by police across Britain 

Figures show hate crimes against Jewish people rose by 36% to 304 in first half of2014, followed by 130 in July alone 

How many more people need to be beaten, bullied, shamed and killed because of who they are or what they believe in? At what point do we draw the line in the sand and say enough is enough?

As you read the article about Dylan,many of you will probably shrug your shoulders, as in ‘it’s not my problem’ and move on; others may spare a couple of seconds lamenting the state of the world.  But for a significant number, it is a very real reminder that their world is not safe and that they live under the constant threat of violence and abuse.

This is not ok; I need the world to be a safe place for my son and for everyone else’s son and daughter. We all do!