Is your son gay...

Because you wanted a daughter after having 3 sons?

Because he grew up without a father?

Because he is looking for attention?

I get asked these unsolicited and uncalled for questions quite a lot….and many times from people who should know better. And worse, they behave like they have resolved the issue of why my son is gay, simply by pointing them out.

Perhaps the problem lies with those asking the questions; they need to sort themselves out and not keep trying to fix something that is NOT broken. My son is not broken, he never was. Neither is being gay something that needs to be fixed.

It’s frightening that people still really believe…

– that being gay is a choice…it’s not. We are mid way through 2015, surely everyone should know that by now.

– that a mother can choose to make her son gay… seriously! a f**ked up statement on so many levels. No one can make anyone gay…no one. And no amount of smothering, over protectiveness, and definitely no amount of cooking, shopping and watching TV with his mum, will make a son gay. 

– that the absence of a father plays a significant part in someone being gay… please think before you put this one out there. The implication that he is gay because he looking for a father figure is not only ridiculous but does not even make any logical sense. Enough said.

– that being gay is an attention seeking tactic…do you honestly believe that being bullied, called horrible names on a daily basis and having to learn to stay strong and true to yourself in a hostile world, is the way anyone would go about getting attention?  

Social media allows anyone to tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. But there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box….in many cases, it is simply a ticked box.

The sad reality is that most of world remains a hugely intolerant, hostile and homophobic place…a place where it is ok to keep asking these kind of ignorant questions and trying to ‘fix the problem’.

But here’s the thing, it’s not ok.

It is condescending, patronising and demeaning. No one has the right to tell anyone how to live their life, who to love, who to marry, how to behave; no one has the right to question or judge anyone because they are different to what they perceive to be the norm; and no one has the right to be anyone’s moral compass. 

It’s time to change the story….

Reality Check ....On Grief

Grief originates when we experience a tragic event and we are expected to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ since ‘nothing lasts forever’, and ‘there is a light at the end of the tunnel’ and we should ‘stay strong and carry on’ because ‘tomorrow is a new day’.  Rubbish! 

It takes time (sometimes a lifetime and sometimes it just never happens) to get to grips with grief. It is not until you experience grief first hand and feel that deep painful loss (the one that changes you forever) can you know that, from that moment on, grief will shadow you forever.

Grief found me when I lost my father and over the last year, grief and I have become well acquainted. It has become my shadow. Some days it just hangs around – a dull ache just making its presence known and some days, there is no way of ignoring those raw, overwhelming, intense and all consuming waves that crush you over and over.  

On the other hand, grief puts life in perspective and it has changed me. I find that I look at the world differently, with more compassion and empathy, less judgemental, more gratitude. Most of all I don’t take life so dammed seriously any more.

Once embraced, grief gives you the freedom to love more, appreciate all that is good in life and try to live every day like it’s the best day ever.

3 Things I Discovered About Myself In 2013

1. I can love another child 

I thought and believed that I did not have the capacity to love another child like I love my boys – that unconditional, overwhelming love that can never be broken – that is, until Zak came along.

Zak was born on April 16th, 2013 and his birth automatically elevated my status to that of grandmother. I am still, 8 months later, slightly uncomfortable with the term and I know that I will have to deal with it as soon as he starts talking.

I watched Zak being born and then I held him a few minutes after he was born and in that short space of time, my heart expanded and made room for him; he now owns a huge part of my heart, just like my boys.

Being a grandmother is not what I expected at all, it is so much more ....mainly because neither Zak nor I have any expectations of each other; as grandmother and grandson our mission is to simply love each other; this makes our relationship relaxed and calm, with lots of cuddles, kisses and tickles.
My first 8 months as a grandmother have been an amazing and delightful experience. I am looking froward to lots more.

2. Losing the man that I loved all my life did not make me a stronger person  

but it did make me more appreciative of the now and being in the present. My father passed away on the 25th October, 2013 after a short battle with kidney cancer.

During the 3 months before his death, we spoke on the phone daily. When he was diagnosed in June, 2013 we talked about the options he had, either to have his kidney removed and accept the complications that were likely to follow or forgo the surgery and take pain killers.

My father, who was 80 years old, belonged to the generation that believed in suffering in silence and did not make a fuss about pain. He also did not believe in taking medicine, the strongest meds he was likely to take were aspirin.