Is your son gay...

Because you wanted a daughter after having 3 sons?

Because he grew up without a father?

Because he is looking for attention?

I get asked these unsolicited and uncalled for questions quite a lot….and many times from people who should know better. And worse, they behave like they have resolved the issue of why my son is gay, simply by pointing them out.

Perhaps the problem lies with those asking the questions; they need to sort themselves out and not keep trying to fix something that is NOT broken. My son is not broken, he never was. Neither is being gay something that needs to be fixed.

It’s frightening that people still really believe…

– that being gay is a choice…it’s not. We are mid way through 2015, surely everyone should know that by now.

– that a mother can choose to make her son gay… seriously! a f**ked up statement on so many levels. No one can make anyone gay…no one. And no amount of smothering, over protectiveness, and definitely no amount of cooking, shopping and watching TV with his mum, will make a son gay. 

– that the absence of a father plays a significant part in someone being gay… please think before you put this one out there. The implication that he is gay because he looking for a father figure is not only ridiculous but does not even make any logical sense. Enough said.

– that being gay is an attention seeking tactic…do you honestly believe that being bullied, called horrible names on a daily basis and having to learn to stay strong and true to yourself in a hostile world, is the way anyone would go about getting attention?  

Social media allows anyone to tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. But there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box….in many cases, it is simply a ticked box.

The sad reality is that most of world remains a hugely intolerant, hostile and homophobic place…a place where it is ok to keep asking these kind of ignorant questions and trying to ‘fix the problem’.

But here’s the thing, it’s not ok.

It is condescending, patronising and demeaning. No one has the right to tell anyone how to live their life, who to love, who to marry, how to behave; no one has the right to question or judge anyone because they are different to what they perceive to be the norm; and no one has the right to be anyone’s moral compass. 

It’s time to change the story….

Reality check on…The Horror, The Horror

I am seriously pissed off. And also very sad. 

A 17year old is beaten to within an inch of his life. By his friends. Why? Well, the fact that he is gay obviously bothered his ‘friends’ and so, they beat the shit out of him.

For being gay.  

As the mother of a gay son, I am horrified, saddened, angry and yes, pissed off by this news.

Not only because this could happen to my boy (and let's face it, this could happen to anyone else’s son/daughter/ brother/sister/ mother/father); 

But also because I really believed that my son was fortunate to be born in a time where tolerance and compassion were part of everyone’s consciousness; and his sexual identify would not define him as a person and he would not be labelled; where he could be and do what he chose since “”Everyone has the right to life and to live in freedom and safety” (Universal declaration of Human Rights). 

Am I delusional or what? Nothing has really changed, has it?

Is society still stuck in the mind-set of that sea of sameness as it has been since the beginning of time?...That same mind-set where anyone or anything, that is different, even a little bit, is automatically clocked and registered as abnormal and unacceptable.  

Granted that on the surface governments, corporations and businesses are seen to be working towards becoming more inclusive in the work place and they do make some effort to educate and inform people. 

But really? Do we need government mandates and training to accept gays, women and all diversity groups in the work place and in the community?

WTF? Are we that logically and consciousness deprived?

And what is normal and acceptable to this society? Here's what I think that list probably looks like and most likely, it has not changed much over the centuries:

1. A man can only be in a relationship with a woman. End of.
2. Its ok to eat animals that have been made to suffer needlessly and then brutally killed as long as you buy the meat at the supermarket.
3. Always worship that invisible god; the one who is vengeful, self-righteous and vindictive and who has a major issue with anyone who is NOT a straight, white, Christian male
4. If you have lots of money, you are automatically absolved of all wrongs
5. Making a bad choice makes you a bad person. Forever.
6. I am ok with everything as long as it does not affect me. In any way.
7. It’s not ok to judge but it is definitely ok and encouraged to criticise, publicly humiliate and ostracise anyone or anything that is unfamiliar or different.
8. Success is measured in the accumulation of the number of possessions you own
9. Be politically correct on the surface; as long as you are seen to be PC that’s all that matters. 
10. Everyone is considered my brother and sister as long as I am kept completely unaware of their existence.

What an incredibly close minded society we live in !

We have not evolved into decent human beings; we just got better at hiding how we really feel.

Social media makes it so easy for us to be universally seen as the intellectual, open minded, spiritual, accepting, non judgemental, free spirits we so obviously are not. 

We can visibly support same sex marriages, express outrage at the merciless treatment of battery chickens, sign petitions to stop child labour, domestic violence, child abuse… all the while we are smugly secure in the knowledge that we will never, ever be called upon to publicly defend any of the shit we are seen to be supporting.

Social media lets us tick off that box that says to the world…”yes I am a tolerant person who believes and supports everyone’s basic human right to live, regardless of their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, cultural background, gender or politics”. The sad reality is that there is no substance or conviction or belief behind that ticked box.

Back to the boy who was beaten for being gay… 
By the way, this is not an isolated incident; this senseless, aggressive, bullying is rampant the world over against gays, Jews, Romas, women, children, the list goes on and on. 

Here is a quick snapshot of recent UK hate crimes statistics:

Research by London LGBT hate crime charity Galop shows 98 homophobic and transphobic crimes are recorded each week by police across Britain 

Figures show hate crimes against Jewish people rose by 36% to 304 in first half of2014, followed by 130 in July alone 

How many more people need to be beaten, bullied, shamed and killed because of who they are or what they believe in? At what point do we draw the line in the sand and say enough is enough?

As you read the article about Dylan,many of you will probably shrug your shoulders, as in ‘it’s not my problem’ and move on; others may spare a couple of seconds lamenting the state of the world.  But for a significant number, it is a very real reminder that their world is not safe and that they live under the constant threat of violence and abuse.

This is not ok; I need the world to be a safe place for my son and for everyone else’s son and daughter. We all do!

The Brilliance, The Huddles, The Karaoke and a Hair Brush... that’s Aspire !

We have all attended workshop/events where a group of women get together and work on their self confidence, life goals, business/life objectives, etc. Many of them are really very good and productive, others not so much. And let’s face it, they can also get a tiny bit boring and repetitious.

So when I received an email from Aspire Trailblazing Women (check them out at www. aspirewomen.co.uk) asking if I would be interested in being a ‘host/facilitator ‘ at a two day Reimagine Leadership event, my initial reaction was ‘same old, same old’. However, I had been mentoring on behalf of the Aspire Foundation for 18 months and this was a unique opportunity to work alongside the woman (Dr Sam Collins) behind this remarkable organization, so I figured "Why not?" 

The night before the event, I did wonder what possessed me to sign up, particularly as the meet up time was scheduled for the ungodly hour of 7am. 

On a cold very early morning

Still on the 28th January at exactly 6.59 am, there I was at 200 Aldersgate in London, holding on to a coffee cup like it was oxygen - while praying that I had made the right decision. 

By 7.15 am, I was sitting in a circle where I met the other 9 hosts (or “huddle hosts” as we decided to call ourselves), the 5 volunteers and also Dr Sam Collins and Caroline Dawson from Aspire, the organisers and facilitators of the event. Apart from Sam, I did not know any of the other women; to be perfectly honest, from where I was sitting most of them seemed very self-confident and successful; it was all a bit daunting and nerve wrecking. 

As the introductions were being made, the phrase ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ was a recurring thought and somehow I don’t think it was just me having that thought. However, once circle time was over, we did have a better idea (thanks to Sam and Caroline’s organisational and motivational skills) of what we had to do and nerves were replaced with a sense of excitement and anticipation. 

By 8am, we were ready to meet and greet the women who would be attending the event - eighty of them in all. 

9am and its Show Time (...Manic Monday style)

Everyone, women, huddle hosts and volunteers, were seated and waiting nervously for the event to begin. You could sense the trepidation and anxiety that was circling the room; no one really knew what to expect and even worse, exactly what was expected of them. Suddenly music started blaring and along comes Sam using a hairbrush as a microphone - singing and dancing to the song “Manic Monday”. Like most of the women in the room, I started laughing and at that moment, I just knew this event was going to be an amazing, if unpredictable, two days.

It was awesome and there were many Ah-ha moments

The women came from different backgrounds, countries and cultures, diverse professions and careers, young and not so young, some were in a relationship, some single and some were divorced; some were mothers, or step mothers or god mothers or had never been mothers at all.
Throughout the two days, Sam and Caroline led and facilitated “Reimagine Leadership” workshops and we talked, discussed, learnt, laughed, cried, shared, found and gave compassion, understood and were understood, acceptance was given naturally, without judgement. Each of us could identify with each other’s experiences; there was a familiarity in the stories being shared, recognition of an emotion, a feeling, and so many times ‘I know just what you mean’ was heard throughout the room. 

There were hundreds of ‘Ah ha’ moments and many women jumped head first out of their comfort zones as Sam and Caroline skilfully and expertly led everyone through a series of leadership exercises and tasks that were original, rewarding and fun.  

On Being a Huddle Host

Being a huddle host at Aspires’ Reimagine Leadership event was an extraordinary experience and I am so proud to have been a part of it. Experiencing first hand Sam’s unique ability to motivate and inspire women to greatness was extraordinary. Also in two short days, all the huddle hosts and volunteers bonded and connected with each other. Far from being intimidating, these were all brilliant, smart, kind, compassionate women. By the end of the first day, we felt like we had known each other all our lives. A cliché I know, but during those two days, that kind of experience was commonplace: inexplicable yet at the same time made perfect sense. 

Tracy, a fellow Huddle Host said about her experience “I attended Aspire's recent Reimagine Leadership workshop as a host and facilitator, being asked to come armed with two inspiring real life stories to share with the participants. Well, I hope that a few of the participants gained some inspiration from my stories, but I what I can definitely say is that I sure as hell got inspiration from them. Everybody was so open and supportive; the event so well run, it was an experience well worth the investment of two days hard work. Personally, it has helped me to sharpen my focus on my future journeys in both career and life, given me the confidence to aim higher and introduced me to some amazing women, some of which I have a feeling are going to become lifelong friends. And that was despite my appalling Frank Sinatra impression in the karaoke celebration at the end” Tracy Woods, IT Director.

It’s a wrap.  

Many thanks and cheers   
To Sam and Caroline for organising and hosting such an awe-inspiring and exciting event - many lives changed for the better because of those two days

To all the lovely women who attended, your courage and brilliance is impressive and you made the two days very special.
And to my fellow huddle hosts and volunteers, I am inspired and humbled by you all.

  

A word about Aspire (www.aspirewomen.co.uk) –  

Aspire is the brainchild of Dr Sam Collins and for over ten years has successfully developed female leaders and the role models of the future through coaching, leadership development, seminars and workshops.




* Photographs have been reproduced with permission from Aspire 

Born a girl and happy that way. The empowerment of women - Part 2

Boy, girl, female, and male, woman and man- every single one of us is assigned a gender at birth.

Within seconds of a baby being born, the doctor or midwife announces ‘It’s a boy’ or ‘it’s a girl’, and your gender identity is technically set for the rest of your life.  

Metaphorically, from that moment on until you die, you will be put either in the blue group or the pink group. The gender you have been assigned will to a large extent, determine your academic path, your career, your business and personal interactions and relationships and even society’s expectation of you.

And for most of us this is a non-issue, as we never have a need to question our gender identity.  We are conditioned from infancy, as we lay in our blue or pink world, to assimilate and socialise in to our gender.  

As women, our social feminisation is deep-rooted and instinctive.  According to Scientific America, sex differences in empathy emerge in infancy and persist throughout development, though the gap between adult women and men is larger than between girls and boys.  Gender socialisation is the more focused form of socialisation; it is how children of different sexes are socialised into their gender roles.

So, we grow from girl babies, to little girls, to young women to women , without giving our gender identity a thought.

Yet there are thousands of babies, who are born biologically male or biologically female, but as they grow up, it slowly becomes apparent that the birth announcement ‘it’s a boy’ should have been ‘it’s a girl’ or vice versa.   

Gender identity disorder or gender dysphoria, is a conflict between a person's actual physical gender and the gender that person identifies himself or herself as. It is not known what causes transgenderism or whether it is physical or biological mental, emotional or social.  But for a lot of them, it is a lifetime of frustration, isolation, and heartache.  Today female hormones and gender reassignment surgery are more accessible and readily available for Trans women.  And so every year thousands of Male to Female (MTF) Trans women relinquish their masculinity and undergo extreme surgery to remove their male parts in order to complete the physical transition to womanhood.

It is understandable, that for the duration of the transition, for these ladies it is about achieving the female physical appearance, so that they can take their place as a woman in society.  We live, after all, in a society where the physical appearance is crucial to acceptance.

Over the years, the transgender political movement has taken huge steps forward and have fought long and hard to ensure human and civil liberties for Trans people. It is only right that their human rights to health care, employment and housing are not only recognised but respected and enforced. No one should have to live in fear for their lives and be subjected to harassment and persecution, simply because of who they are.  If we all accept that while ‘the world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings’ (source: Martin Buber), we can make the world a much nicer place for every one of us.

Having lived through the process of a MTF transition, I appreciate what a Herculean effort it takes to transition from a male energy to a feminine one. I witnessed and empathised with the overwhelming need to be true to oneself; the constant struggle and fight for the basic right to exist and live.  I admire and respect their courage, resilience, and determination and the strong belief in oneself that they possess.

I am also intrigued with the similarities and disparities between women and Trans women and  the political and social variances, particularly in the context of the empowerment of women.

In a previous blog I talked about the Feminine Power Course that I attended which is about harnessing the creative energies of life and bringing balance to the feminine and masculine aspects of life.  So it is interesting to see that there is a sub-group of Trans women who have lived all their lives as a white, middle class male, typically got married and had children and usually worked in a very male dominated industry. Around middle age, they decide they want to go through a Male to Female transition. Yet pre, post and during transition they continue to operate within the male paradigm utilising their male traits and characteristics, (possibly because they have already successfully proven themselves as men and feel most comfortable there).

 Although it also perpetuates the dogma that business is based on the male energy since the male business model is the only one that is in existence, it seems to me that there is much we can learn from these women!

Born a girl, Became a woman 

Life for a woman, a female, is not easy even when you are born a girl. It is after all, only in the last 50 or 60 years since women, en masse for the first time actually began to awaken with an impulse to actualise their potentials beyond being wives and mothers. 

While we have come a long way in the last 100 years and the glass ceilings are showing definite cracks, we are still living in a 5000 year old patriarchal society, and still a long way from achieving  gender equality socially, economically and politically.  The success of the empowerment of women, professionally, politically, socially and personally relies heavily on women supporting women.

It follows that the empowerment of women movement has to be inclusive of all women - irrespective of how we became women, through birth or transition and regardless of sexual orientation, economics, age, nationality, culture or religion.

We are all, after all, women.